Portland.

It is less than a week since I returned from a long weekend in Portland, Oregon, USA.

In the last fourteen months I have been to:
England, the place of my birth and where my family lives,
suburban Houston, where I live with my wife,
Western Ireland, which is like a spiritual home for my music and dreams,
Portland, OR, where most of my friends live and the city in which I have spent the most time.

I have discussed the concept of home before, and my difficulties with the concept, and possibly that creating a home for myself might be the next stage in my life. Portland was as close to being home as staying in the house of my parents. It was just comfortable, easy, familiar, and nostalgic. I had a wonderful time.

One of the most pleasing things about it was the warmth and affection of the friends with whom we spent time. Several people going out of their way to meet with Christina and I, find out about our lives, and feel pleasure in our company. When you have spent time in a place without friends you start to wonder whether you are someone that people might want to be friends with, whether the problem is yourself. Well, there are warm, loving, smart, fun people who want to be friends with me and that is great.

The most surprising thing about Portland for me was the state of the city. I live in just about the only metropolis in the USA that is economically undamaged by the recession. House prices and employment are about the same here as before the Great Catastrophe. Portland, by all accounts, has been hit harder than most places, with unemployment at over 10%, service shortfalls, and real problems in raising enough taxes to keep things going. I was expecting closed businesses, a general malaise, haunted faces, filthy streets, hard times. What I saw was happy, smiling faces, an astonishingly vibrant atmosphere, clean streets, creativity everywhere and a deep warmth and kindness for other people. Sure people wore older clothes, drove older cars, were riding bikes and buses rather than driving SUV's the size of the Titanic. But the atmosphere was fantastic, far, far more positive than in Spring, TX.

That's the thing about Portland, the atmosphere for creative, intelligent, warm-hearted people is so great that creative, intelligent, warm-hearted people flock to the city even without jobs. As a result Portland is consistently hit harder than other cities in terms of jobs, but consistently people don't care and want to move or stay in Portland. Its very success in creating an atmosphere, its livability, means that the population outstrips the amount of jobs it can provide in times of difficulty. However, the creativity, intelligence and warm-heartedness of its people continue to make the city a better place to live. I moved to Portland in 1997, at the height of the Clinton era boom (bubble?) and the place is a strikingly better place to be now.

As a caveat, the weather while we were there was bright sunshine, crisp mornings and glorious afternoons. Apparently anywhere Christina and I go we are cursed to bring the sunshine and warmth with us. We both know that it would be foolish to return to Portland because it is hard, hard, hard in the Binmore household in February and March.

Thanks again to Kerry and Josh, Blake, Chase, Kenny, Signe, Lori, and Patrick. For those who missed us this time we will be returning in August, you should check us out, we are awesome.

Chapter 1.2

Thick, oily smoke rose into the tainted air lit by the last embers of the dying sun. The village was in flames, the villagers lying in piles of hacked meat. Ugly sounds came from within the huts and the pitiful sobbing of a horse in agony completed the backdrop.

The giant, unwieldy bulk of Ughrit stalked through the mud, slashing absently at nothing with his massive axe. He sat on a pile of corpses, fidgeting and looking around at the scene. His black-bearded face was spattered with dirt and gore. As if at a lack of anything else to do he quickly struck off the head of a corpse, dancing after it in an ungainly manner as it skittered across the ground. Returning to his spot he struck off the top of the skull in the manner of a coconut, laid down his axe, and scooped up some brains for a snack.

With a small dribble of gelatinous goo wandering through his beard Ughrit made little circles in the dust with his monstrous iron clad boot. He sighed, hugely, and slumped back down on the pile of corpses disturbing a collection of evil-looking black birds who squabbled as they flapped into the air. Their squabble was upset by an unholy whine and a lightning flash, resulting in a cloud of feathers and two distinct thumps.

An impossibly tall and thin figure, swathed in an iridescent purple robe, picked his way fastidiously through the mire. Inching his way towards Ughrit he called towards him in a high, sibilant tone, "Greetinggthhhh Ughrit, congwatulathhionthh on your thuccthethful athault!"
"Thanks Akhdar, yeah, I guess it went OK."
"OK? Itth wath marvelouthly done, ath we thpeak the opputinitieth for wapine and piwwaging are evewywhere. I wonder why you are not at it, tho to thpeak?"
"I don't know Akhdar, I just don't really see the point. Just another day, another pile of corpses. It just doesn't really do it for me anymore."
"What? A point? Itth what you are, Ughrit, you were born to thlaughter, wape and thteal. You are the thcourge of continentthth. Nobody doeth it better than you."

Ughrit rose to his feet, strolled in a circle and kicked a corpse in the face.
" I know I'm good at it Akhday, how could I not? Year after year I've led a horde of the nastiest villains you could hope to meet. We've trampled villages, sacked towns, laid waste to entire nations. Somehow that seems to be part of the problem, it's not even a challenge anymore. Sometimes I just feel like packing it all in."
"Whatthththrth!" Spluttered Akhdar, "Packing it all in? And then what would you do? Are you a peathanth to plough the fieldth? "
"I know, I know. I despise those pathetic sheep that wallow in the mud their whole pathetic lives and then beg to keep those pathetic lives at the end. It's just that I'm so bloody bored of this constantly moving from one place to another and smashing it apart."
'But what of the horde Ughrit" " Akhdar's agitation was plainly visible in the miasmic cloud of unnatural poisons that surrounded him, "The ladth need directhion from thomeone or they will jutht go to pietheth. It'th not jutht about you anymore, Ughrit, you have rethponthabilitieth."

Ughrit peered into the deepening gloom as though searching for some inspiration, some hint of meaning. "Just sometimes Akhdar, sometime I think of opening a little pub, nice stone walls and a turf roof. I'd have a few sweet little maidens serving the ale and I'd really be able to talk to people, have a chat about the weather, you know? Just sit in a corner, put my feet up." Ughrit was almost pleading now, an incongruous sight from such a menacing, massive frame.

"A whittle pub?" scoffed Akhdar, "Come now, what would happen the firtht time thomeone iwwitated you?"
"Yeah, I know, I'd kill them and their family and burn the whole village down."
'Thweet maidenth? And them?"
"Yeah, right, raped and murdered."
"Thith ith who you are Ughrit. You lead hordeth of mean bathtardth in a plague upon humanity. Ithth what you do betht. Evewyone thinkth of packing it in onth in a while, but the gwathth is not nethethawily gweener on the other thide of the fenth." Akhdar was gesticulating wildly at this point, occasionally accidentally lobbing fireballs into the night.
"Now Ughrit, come with me. The ladth have found a nithe wittle scwealer that thould cheer you up no end."
"A squealer?" Ughrit's eyes lit up, and he bounced on the balls of his feet, "A squealer, really? Alright then Akhdar, lead on, time for to stop all this moping and get on with the job."

And into the sunset they walked.

Worry.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.^[2]

This is the Litany Against Fear of the Bene Gesserit, a group in the science fiction novel Dune, by Frank Herbert. I think for a start it is interesting to see how powerful such things can be, and how they can be produced from a fiction writer as well as any of the great religions or philosophies.

The part that really rings true to me is the section that reads, "Fear is the mind killer." I think this is a really important insight, far more important than an affirmation not to fear. Fear is a biological reality within humans, a pre-mammalian reaction to possible danger. It is vital to have fear to simply stay alive. Fear of high cliffs, or bears, or car crashes are all things that enable us to survive. However, because fear is such a basic drive in humanity and is built for dangerous situations, it overrides the rest of the mind. Fear kills the rational mind, it prevents thought, understanding, perspective.

The combination of fear and consciousness, produces the mental state of worry. Worry is a reaction to the conscious idea that there will be fear in the future. Worry isn't the adrenaline-pumping, muscle-bunching, instinctive reaction of fear. Worry is the imagination of future bad things, repeated ad nauseum, in an energy sapping, joy destroying habit.

I think worry is an over-reaction to an important natural process, in the same way that addictions are over-reactions to necessary processes like eating, or seeking pleasure. It is, of course, really important for people to think about the future, to imagine the good and the bad that might happen in order to make decisions. I'm not someone who subscribes to Jesus' exhortation to "Care not for the morrow for the morrow will care for itself." I think planning and thinking are necessary and good. However, what worry consists of is this thinking and planning in a closed loop. It results from a situation wherein the future is not ideal and all choices that a person can make will result in some negative situation. This unsatisfactory situation results in the problem being mulled over and over, always coming up with the same unpleasant conclusion, which starts the cycle over again. The problem with this is that then our present existence becomes dominated by future difficulty regardless of our present circumstances.

For me, this situation recently has been about my dog, Larry. Larry has gone through a series of operations on his knees, one successful on one leg, and a series of failed attempts on his other leg. Right now he is at the vets, in a place he hates, while we hope his knee recovers. The chances are that it won't and through no fault of ours or his, his future is likely to be one of consistent arthritic pain and some level of limping, perhaps pretty severe. The alternative is for us to put him down. So, the future almost certainly holds one of two unpleasant alternatives. I will have to make a choice between those two alternatives and this has been preying on my mind continually. The result has been sadness, moping, lack of activity, lack of interest in other things and constantly going through a decision-making process that has already reached the furthest it can go at this time.

Worrying therefore is useless, an outgrowth of a useful process of thinking about the future, but one which damages the present. If I worry about my retirement rather than making my best guesses about how to prepare for retirement and then forget about it, I am damaging all the time between then and now. If I worry about my dog I am not appreciating things like the sunshine, music, a good book, how much I love my wife. To be happy, the most important thing, it is necessary to not worry. To accept the things that I cannot change.

How does one not worry? As with almost everything there are different levels of worry between different people. The tendency to worry is a biological trait, just like depression, or weight. But like depression and weight, human beings can do things to reduce their worry. For a start people can recognize what is worry. Simply the process of identifying useless thoughts about the future can make a great difference. Paying attention to self-talk, and then trying to replace it with other thoughts (such as what around you is beautiful, or fun, or what you are grateful for) can make a big difference. A hugely beneficial technique is meditation, in which one trains the mind to pay attention and not wander in negativity. Of course, the most important thing is to fill your mind with the wonder and splendor that is life if you just notice.

A Miasma of Rambulations

I like the title of this one, even though I think it might not actually make any sense. It suits my present position, not making any sense, having a few ideas, but not taking much very seriously.

My state of mind is an interesting place to be at the moment. In one way it is depressed, in that my motivation is low, my energy level is low, my tendency to plan, think, discuss and act are all depressed. On the other hand I am not miserable. Reading my blog posts from a year ago I can feel some of the dreaminess that I feel at the present, but I don't have any of the rage and despair that is in a couple of them. Dreaminess is really the best way to put it, things happen without a sense of reality, an interlude.

I am finding it quite difficult to write even as much as this blog post. This doesn't mean difficult in the sense that it is a chore, or painful, I just find that my brain is not producing thoughts to be written down. I had thought about discussing the plan that Christina and I have been talking about, but it's just the same as last year's plan, but with some concept of timing. I had thought of talking about how important Christina's happiness is to mine, that in my rather isolated existence this is so much more important, but I've done that before as well.

What do I do? Well, the house is maintained at a level far above the mess that was our house in Portland. I don't think that makes any difference at all to how I feel about the place, but Christina prefers it. I am riding the bicycle, an hundred miles last week, and a frantic hour long ride yesterday (16.5 miles an hour average speed, just over twelve miles an hour slower than the winning speed in the UCI World Time Trial Championships this year) but I'm drinking lots of beer too, so I'm still a fatty. I am playing the mandolin more than I have in a while, and starting to sing a bit more with it as well. This is probably in anticipation of our trip back up to Portland for Oktoberfest. I expect that will be our last ever trip to Portland.

People are being interested in politics again in the USA as the mid-term elections are being held. I expect that the Republicans will get enough advances to create gridlock again, but I don't think they will do as well as they expect. Overall I just don't think it matters much as Obama doesn't have the political capital to get anything significant done for two reasons; presidents in a recession are blamed for the recession, and in a democracy the majority view generally holds (and the majority view isn't ready for pragmatically progressive actions). This sums up my view in general, people are short-term emotional decision makers who can't really look out for themselves. Me doing my part for the environment or politics will have an effect of one in a billion or one in hundreds of million, essentially no effect. How things change is through technological breakthrough, education, or reaction to disaster. Right now I just don't care.

It seems that the team I support is going to change ownership, from terrible owners to quite good ones. This lightened my mood to a quite ridiculous level yesterday. On the other hand The Face of Evil had a set-back in recovery from his latest surgery, and I as I took him to the vet he cried in misery, which dampened my mood the day before. However, with his misery at a distinct distance from me I don't really notice it at all.

The weather has changed, cooler and really quite, quite beautiful. I think I will take a walk in the park today.