Chapter 15

Scene one.  A hallway.  Willis, an unremarkable young man, enters from stage left, peering anxiously over his shoulder.  He hears women's voices from off stage left.  With a look of panic he scampers to exit stage right.

Enter five women, Jo, Leslie, Emily, Abigail, and Kathy, drunk, passing a bottle half full of a virulently pink liquid.

Kathy     "Where's he got to then?"
Leslie     "I don't know, do I?  I just saw some lad sneak off through that door we just come through."
Kathy     "Well, he ain't here, is he?"

Kathy and Leslie look around, Abigail dry heaves, Jo and Emily wrestle over the bottle.

Leslie      "Nope, he ain't."
Abigail    "Wooooo!!!  Yeah!!  Come and get it boys!"
Emily      "Come on Jozzers, give me some of that you tight slag."
Jo            "Piss off and get your own.  Yer always splongin'"
Emily      "Splongin!  Yers wasted."
Jo           "Bugger you all, I'm off to the pub."  Jo exits stage right
Abigail   "Pub!  Yeah!  Wooooooo!"
Leslie     "Right, the pub.  He's bound to be in the pub."
Kathy     "Why's that then Lezzers?"
Leslie     "'Cos he's a man right, stands to reason."
Kathy     "Oh, right.  Where's the bloody pub then?"
Emily     "Wasn't there one around here?  The Wangled Podger or something."
Abigail   "Wooo!  Addled Prophet!" 
Kathy     "So where is it?"
Emily     "Jozzers went that way, she's a bloody bloodhound for pubs."
Kathy     "Right.  OK.  Let's find Jozzers, that blokes not getting away, he had the hots for me and I ain't waiting another week.  I'm dry as a desert.

Abigail falls.  Exeunt all stage right, Abigail crawling.

Scene two.  The Addled Prophet.  Painted white with garlands of flowers hanging from the walls.  A small dais center stage.  HFWOBC is seated on a cushion on the dais.  Around him are Ughrit, Landlord, and various bandits/patrons sitting on the floor.

HFWOBC    "...so it seems to me that it would be easier if we just shared a bit more of our stuff with people who need it.  I have found that people are very helpful if you....."

Enter Jo.

Jo              "Oy!  Is this the pub?  Oy!  I said, 'is this the pub?'"
Landlord   "Yes madam, this is the Addled Prophet.  If you will just take a seat I will be with you directly."
Jo              "Gis us a pint of something, with an elephant.  No, an unbrella.  Umbrella."
Landlord   "Yes madam, in just a moment.  I just need to hear a bit more and then I will be right with you.
HFWOBC  "Ah yes, where was I?  Oh right.  In my experience people are quite willing to help out when you just ask nicely."
Ughrit         "The thing is Master, that most people are utter bastards around the rest of us, it's just different around you.  I was what you might call a professional bastard, a right evil bugger, but then I.."
Jo                 "Are you sure this is a pub?  Looks like a temple or something."
HFWOBC  "You keep saying that Ughrit but there's nothing special about.."
Jo                "Oy!  I asked you a question.  And where's my drink?  You lot are bleedin' chovvernisticalls."
Landlord      "Sorry chaps, I'll be right back.  What will it be madam?"
Jo                  "Toldja, pint of umbrella."
Landlord      "Certainly madam.  Coming right up."
HFWOBC   "What were you saying again Ughrit?
Ughrit          "I was saying?  Oh, yes.  I was saying that it's different around you, people just are nicer."
HFWOBC    "Well, Ughrit, I don't see how there's anything about me that's special, perhaps if we are all just a bit nicer than everyone will be..."

Enter Emily, Kathy, Leslie, and Abigail, loudly.

Emily          "Here it is.  Wait, is this a pub?"
Jo                 "Yeah, is Apple Moffit."
Landlord     "Welcome to The Addled Prophet ladies.  Can I help you?"
Abigail        "Oooooooo.  He's a big one."
Leslie          "Jozzers, what are you drinking?"
Jo                "Elephant.  Pint."
Leslie          "Good on ya.  We'll have six then guvnor."
HFWOBC   "So what we need to do is just trust each other a little more and then it seems to me that.."
Kathy          "Who's the foreign fella?"
Landlord     'Well, he's.."
Kathy          "Is he a mime?  I love mimes.  I think.  Hey Lezzers, do I like mimes?"
Leslie          "No, you bleedin' hate them."
Kathy          "That's a shame then.  He seems a bit cuddly to me.  Like a pony."
Abigail        "Wooooo!  Foreign meat!"
Jo                "Spicy."
Emily          "So what's going on with the decor then?"
Landlord    "Well, you know how it is.  We just kind of felt that it needed a change, something a little more serene, a bit more uplifting than a pub."
Emily          "Our Kaff's lookin' for something a bit more uplifting too."
Jo                "Yeah, like them skirts.  Although it don't take much."
Kathy          "You cow!  Anyway, that reminds me, is he in here?"

Kathy, Leslie, and Jo look around the pub.  Abigail falls down and crawls towards the dais.

Emily          "Uplifting eh?  Seems a bit religious to me.  Like this elephant is a bit naughty.  I never did like the temple, I always needed a wee."
Jo                "Kaffs, there he is, in the corner."
Kathy         "Lovely one Jozzers.  Ooh look at him in the corner pretending not to see me.  I like the shy ones."
Leslie        "And the loud ones."
Emily        "And the tall ones."
Abigail      "Foreign meat!"
Kathy         "Cooey, I see you there loverboy.  No need to act all shy."
Willis         "Madam, I have told you before, I am engaged to be married."
Kathy         "That don't bother me my darling.  It'll be like I'm breaking you in for her.  If you think about it she should be thanking me.  All the rest of her life with someone who can't find the bucket in the dark.  That's a tragedy, that is.
Willis        "Madam, please!"
Kathy       "Well, since you asked so nicely I'm willing to play along.  A madam eh?  I don't think I've done that one yet."

Kathy lurches over towards Willis, leering and cupping her hand as though squeezing a bunch of grapes.  Abigail crawls on to the dais and puts her head in HFWOBC's lap.

Abigail       "I like you.  You have a nice head."
HFWOBC  "I like you too."
Emily         "What's in these elephants then?"

Curtain.