Grief.

I don't know if this is a good time for this post, but it is on my mind.  If you don't want to read about grief now, or in the future just stop now, and I apologize for any discomfort I may have provided.

At the moment I know several people who have experienced grief recently as a result of a death, or been very closely connected to those suffering.  Two people I have known died within the last two years.  While the closer you are to the person who has died the greater the pain, the emotional ties between people ensure that the pain spreads throughout a social network.  Unless we are psychopaths we feel pain when those we care about feel pain.

Personally I am bad at grief in that I just don't feel it as much as most people.  What drives me towards misery is a change in my own life, my personal pain is based on selfishness.  When my grandfathers died it didn't really bother me.  I hadn't seen them in a few years, they weren't a big part of my life anymore, they were old and old people die.  My reaction to the deaths of my friends was similarly muted, it was bad news but it didn't drive me into depression.  On the other hand, if my wife left me I would be devastated.  That's just me.  It doesn't make me look good, and I feel a little guilty about it.  So, I want to say that my understanding of grief comes largely from a distance.

However, if I am in proximity to someone experiencing grief I feel enormous sympathy for them.  It hurts me more to see someone grieve than for me to grieve.  It's that proximity thing again.  I have been involved with a fair amount of proximity to grief in my working life having been someone who has informed people that a family member has died on several occasions.  If you want a full list go to The Litany (which has not appeared in my mind since I wrote that post).  So, I have been involved in the comforting of grieving people, from strangers to family members, quite a few times and the strangest thing is that I have been thanked every time, and told that I have been very helpful.  This isn't meant to brag as I have no real idea how this happened but it has happened enough times that I must be doing something right.

So, I'm going to say some things to those who are grieving and some things to those who are around those who are grieving that I hope will help.

To those who are grieving.  I am sorry for you.  It hurts a lot and there isn't something that is going to fix it. However, we both know that over time the pain will fade.  That doesn't mean that you will stop loving them, or missing them, but you will heal over time.  This healing won't come in a regular fashion.  The grief will lesson pretty quickly, but will reappear out of the blue sometimes.  That's OK, that's how it naturally happens. 

There is no use in trying to be strong.  Let yourself feel what you feel, after all your pain is a reflection of the love you feel.  Don't shut yourself away for fear of embarrassment, anyone who thinks less of you for grieving is simply someone not worth knowing.  Let those around you be close to you.  They want to help, they feel helpless, and a hug will do more for you than anything else.  Almost immediately there will be times when you have fun, or laugh, or forget them.  This isn't something to feel guilty about.  It is simply impossible to grieve all day, every day.  Getting on with your life and enjoying things isn't disrespect, it is living your life. Those around you love you.

To those who are close to those who are grieving.  You probably feel helpless, lost, ill equipped.  You want to make things better but this is a problem that you cannot fix.  Any words you say seem cheap, trivial.  I know that is how I have felt.  Still, just showing that you care makes a difference.  "I'm sorry" and "I love you" are the best things you can say, and are probably enough.  Don't hide away your feelings, trying to be strong.  That their misery makes you sad is a sign that you love them and take them seriously.  Never tell them to "snap out of it", or "buck up", or "at some point you are going to have to move on."  Take care of yourself and understand that even though you have no idea how to help or what to do, it turns out that that might be the most helpful attitude to have.