Chapter 8

"Once upon a time there.."
"Really John?  You're going to start with 'once upon a time?'  It might have been a dark and stormy night too."
"Shut up Frank, just let me tell it, alright?"
"Fair enough John, you just go ahead and string as many cliches together as you want.  I will gather 'round the fire and hear the tale you tell."
"Right, so there was this great young wizard, a master of power and understanding but not really excited by the prospect of wandering around hurling balls of fire at anyone like a lot of those bastards.  Anyway, what this wizard.."
"What was this 'ere wizard's name John?"
"It was Hannerim, but it doesn't matter.."
"Hammerin?  Was he some kind of carpenter then?  What kind of name is 'Hammerin' anyway?  Sounds foreign."
"It was a long time ago, right?  They had different names back then."
"So he wasn't foreign then?"
"No, he was from just over the hill from here."
"What, from Bantrim?"
"Yes, around there, but before Bantrim was built.  I told you it was a long time ago.  Come on lads, just let me tell the story.  If you keep interrupting I'll never get to the end."

"Right, so once a upon a time there was this wizard, like, and he was really smart and powerful.  He didn't want to go around destroying the place because he was interested in other stuff.  What he really wanted to understand was the fundamental nature of the universe."
"The what?"
"The fundamental nature of the universe.  Like what is everything made of."
"Sounds weird.  I'm pretty sure this table is made of wood, that cup is made of tin, and Frank is made of beer!"
"Well, what is wood made from?"
"Wood's wood."
"Yes, but if you chop wood you see all these strands, right, so you have to chop with the grain.  So wood is made up of those strands.  But what are the strands made from?  Then what are the things that make up the strands made from?  And so on until you run out of things that make up other things.  And he also wanted to know why things happen, like why when you let go of a stone it falls down."
"We know that, it's 'cause stones are heavy."
"But why are stones heavy?  Why don't stones fly away into the sky?  Stuff like that."
"Wow.  That's, um, weird.  I never thought about that before."
"I'm shocked Bob, we all thought you were thinking deep thoughts when you were staring off like that.  Anyway, he was a really smart wizard and they think about stuff like that.  I'm going to ask you boys again to stop interrupting me.  We've been talking for ages and I've only got to the start of the story."

"Right.  So there was this really smart, really powerful wizard.."
"We've heard that bit John."
"..and he wanted to find out about the fundamental nature of the universe.."
"The what?"
"That's it, I'm done telling this story.  If you don't want to hear it I'll just head off home and sit around with the wife.  It can't be any worse than being around you lot."
"I'm sorry John, just a bit of banter.  No need to get all huffy.  I promise I'll keep quiet."

"One more and I'm off.  Right, really smart wizard trying to work out the fundamental nature of the universe.  He was pretty sure this wasn't something you work out on a Tuesday morning so he thought about finding some quiet place he could think about it for a long time where he wouldn't get bothered by stupid peasants asking him stupid question all the bloody time."

"He thought, 'There's a quiet place just over the hill, nobody goes there, it will be perfect.'  So he goes over the hill and using his magic he makes a hut with a warm fire, a candle to see by, and lots of paper to write down his ideas and such.  After thinking about it all afternoon he starts getting hungry and he's got no food, right?  Wizards being not very good at the practical things on account of all of this deep thinking.  No matter, he just magics himself a dinner and goes back to his thinking.  It gets late and he gets tired and he realizes he's got no bed.  So again he magics a bed for him to sleep in, all comfy like.  He goes to sleep like a little baby.  No Frank, don't say it, you know what I mean."
"He wakes up in the morning and what do you know, he's hungry again.  More than that the bloody bed's taking up most of the hut so he'll have no room to do his thinking and magic spells.  So he magics a bedroom so he can sleep, and some breakfast and goes back to his thinking.  So he goes on thinking for a couple of days and then some bloody, ignorant peasants come up and bang on his door asking him a bunch of stupid questions.  He tells them to leave him alone and bugger off, like any clever person would 'cause they are interrupting his thinking.  They go away and he decides he'll seal up the door and make it all quiet inside so he doesn't get bothered."
"A week goes by and his chamber pot gets really full, and the dishes pile up, and bats start roosting in the roof, and the fire dies out 'cause he's got no wood.  He figures that he's spending all this time fixing the things in the hut when he could be doing his thinking and such.  So he comes up with this clever idea, as wizards are wont to do, being clever and such.  He decides he'll magic up the hut into a house that knows what he wants and then magics it so it's done.  So he's got a bedroom, and a privy, and so on.  Finally he's got all the time he wants 'cause he's shut-up all cosy in his house where he can't be bothered by all those bloody peasants, and the house gets him all the things he needs."
"The thing is, and this is important lads so listen carefully, he didn't make sure that the house did stuff only for him.  Now, no wizard is powerful enough to cast a spell on the whole world, for which we are all very grateful, so the spell for the house only goes a little ways, and the further you get from the wizard the less it understands and can do.  It's a bit like shouting, the further away you go the quieter it is and the harder it is to work out what was shouted."
"Years go by and then some poor bastard is caught out in the snow, all lost like, and he sees the house.  So he goes over to get some help but there's no door or windows and no-one answers his banging on the walls.  He lies down on the ground all sure he's going to die in the snow.  He wishes he just had a little bit of shelter 'cause then he'd make it until the next day.  To his shock and surprise bits of wood and rushes and such appear out of nowhere and builds him a tiny hut, all snug.  He curls against the wall and thanks his lucky stars for this magic.  But he hasn't eaten all day and he gets hungry, and wishes he just had some warm soup 'cause we all know that warms you up on a cold day.  Poof!  There it is.  Despite him getting lost he isn't a stupid, bloody peasant and he thinks he'll just stay there and not have to work."
"More years go by and he gets married, and has some kids and the magic house gets them all what they need, but the further away the building gets the less the house understands what they need.  So you might want a gold privy and get a deep wood hole.  You might want a steak and get a stew.  Walk a quarter mile and you don't get nothing at all.  Still, it's a good deal."
"More years go by and more people find out what's going on and settle down by the house too.  It get's built out further and further until there's a bunch of rooms and stables and kitchens and of course a nice place to drink some beer.  After a while the people on the outside get all jealous and some of them decide to go steal the places right up next to the starting house.  There's a big fight and whoever wins decides they won't have that again.  So they get together and they decide that they'll make the middle bit all confusing to the people who don't live there so they all get lost and can't find them anymore and they'll be safe."
"More years go by and the word of this magic place spreads until there are two proper roads meeting at the magic house, and it gets really famous and so important people from all over stop there on the way from here to there.  And do you know what my fine fellows?"  We are sitting in that magic house right now, only now it's called The Inn. Right in the middle of it, where no-one can find him, is the wizard still thinking his deep thoughts, not knowing about anything outside the walls of his house."

"Sounds like a bunch of bollocks to me."
"Oh yeah Frank, so tell me why The Inn keeps changing its shape without anyone knowing who's doing the building, eh? "
"It was a good story anyway John, I'll buy you a pint."

Dear readers.  This is written a bit like a play, but without any of the stage directions.  Can you understand it?  Should I put in who is speaking and some stuff that isn't dialogue, like, "general laughter?"