Suicide Letter

Christina and I received the following letter in Tuesday's mail. This is not, I repeat not, a letter written by myself or Christina. Neither of us are thinking about suicide and neither of us think that we will or could commit suicide. Scott McKinnon was a co-worker and friend of Christina's at PPM in Portland. I knew him less well through work parties and a weekly bowling evening.

To My Dearest Friends and Family,

I wanted you to hear this from me directly, but first, please let me start by saying that I love you all. You have all been wonderful to me and, for this, I have been extremely grateful.

I have decided to end my life voluntarily. By the time you are reading this, I will already be gone. My apologies for any pain this might cause you. I wish that I could have simply vanished; erasing all memory you have of me. The decision to end my life was very easy for me, but the decision to hurt you all has caused me great distress. I have never wanted to bring anyone grief, but I must simply exit. I must leave this world and I must do it by my own hand.

Pain is a relative beast and I have been in a great deal of anguish for as long as I can remember. As a child I was overly sensitive to this world. I would frequently and secretly go into my bedroom and weep for hours at a time, with no particular understanding as to why. As an adult, I have learned how to mask this pain relatively well, but it has always remained with me. Until recently the cause of this anguish has been a mystery to me. Regardless of the source, the pain has always been there, hiding in the background. As such, I have decided to finally take mercy upon myself. I am nothing short of exhausted.

Let me be very clear about one thing; other than me, no person is to blame for this action. Not my ex-wife. Not you. Not anyone. This is my decision alone and I have done this with a clear head and a clear heart. In truth, I am looking forward to my death, as it means I will finally be at peace. We all must die sometime and I am making this decision to leave now. It is a luxury, honestly, to be able to choose the time and circumstances for your own departure.

I know that I could have asked any one of you for help and you would have certainly gladly given it to me. I chose not to go to any of you because I did not want your help. More than anything, I just wanted to leave.

If you need any evidence of this, that this act is intentional, non-spontaneous and genuinely desired, please realize the great lengths I have taken to reach this goal. In fact it is quite the opposite. Trust me when I say that dismantling your own life is not an easy matter.

I have not had anything to drink in the last two weeks, so I am completely sober for this important decision. I have sold off or given away all my possessions, so none of you would have to deal with the aftermath. I have also paid off my debts as best I can (everything except my own personal debts). I have written this letter and revised it over a period of weeks. I have said goodbye to each of you without actually being able to say goodbye. As you can imagine, this has been quite difficult. But, if anything, just such a truth should also indicate to you how very much I desired this exit.

I do need a favor though. While I could take care of most of my belongings, I could not find a home for my cat, Dora, without raising suspicion. She is a lovely kitty, my dearest friend in fact, and I want her to find a good home. If any of you have space for he, she will be waiting at my apartment in Eugene. I have left an envelope there with $500 cash and a $500 Amazon gift card, to cover her remaining expenses. Please be good to Dora K. during this last year she will have lost both her father and sister, so she will be very confused and frightened.

I was uncertain if it would be easier on you all if I simply disappeared altogether, but I understand that viewing a body can often be important for the grieving process, so even this was considered. I chose to leave my body behind, so that you might see this one last time, if you deemed it necessary or wanted. Again, this should indicate to you that my actions were not initiated in a fleeting moment of despair. This was a decision I made at great length and after a great amount of thought.

It is said that suicide is a selfish act and, certainly, this is partially true. I could have gone on living for you or for others, so as not to cause you this pain. But, I also needed to consider my own suffering, which was too great to endure any longer. If you believe in mercy and if you believe that ending suffering is a high principle, you must also understand why I have made this decision. For myself, there is no cure. Drugs would only dull the pain, as well as dull any positive emotions and thoughts (and those few I have, I cherish, as they are all I have left of value). religion, exercise, philosophy, meditation, family, friends....I have looked into each of these but, in the end, nothing gave me solace. I know this, because I have spent a lifetime searching for solace.

I do not find happiness in the pages of a book, in the arms of a lover or behind my camera lens. Sitting in a college classroom, hoping to better myself and the world around me, was the closest I came to finding happiness and meaning. But, in the end, even this was a temporary and shallow joy. I suspected it would be as such, but I had certainly hoped differently. I am quite happy that I had the opportunity to finally chance it.

We each have our own set of beliefs. Personally, I do not believe in a God or an afterlife. I do not fear death, as I do not fear anything. I believe that when I am gone, the World will simply go black. For this, I am extremely grateful.

As such I will not have tears in my eyes when I leave. In my last possible moments, I will think of all that has been Good in my life, I will think of all the beauty I have seen, I will think of all of you and I will be happy. You will all be there with me when I go. In truth, I am very lucky. I can think of no better way to leave.

If though, by chance, I am wrong and there is some form of afterlife, I will do my best to watch over you from there and help whenever I can. And, after you have passed (as we all must pass), I will meet you there for a fine game of poker, a hearty laugh and maybe even a glass of bourbon too. (I am fairly certain they will have the good stuff.) Regardless of what happens after, please forgive me. I have fought as best as I could, for as long as I could, which I believe is all that we might ask of anyone.

Still, I would have preferred to have done more good in the world before I left. In a small way, this letter is my last attempt to redeem myself.

I fully appreciate the irony and hypocritical nature of saying, in a suicide letter, all that I am about to say below, but life is inherently absurd, so I will forgive myself. If you are capable of doing what I could not, then these words will not have been in vain. hate me, if you need to hate me. Consider me a fool, if you must consider me a fool. I understand why and do not hold it against you. I am a flawed and illogical creature. I know this better than anyone.

It is not enough to simply act toward self-preservation; we must instead attempt to achieve self-creation. If there is to be any hope, we must all learn to think on a vastly larger scale, toward a far grander ideal and take far greater action towards that end.

If I could have remained here with you, this one statement is what I would have devoted my life towards realizing, for both myself and everyone else.

Our technology has advanced so greatly, but our morals have not advanced in kind. We once thought slavery was necessary and acceptable. We evolved. We once thought of women as inferior beings. We evolved. True, neither injustice has been completely eliminated, but we are certainly moving in the right direction.

The lesson here is that, again and again, we need to create new morals for ourselves and they cannot stem from magic or myth. We must continually learn how to create these ideals by ourselves, for ourselves.

If we are to evolve as a species, if we are to survive without destroying the planet, we must learn how to define our ends. And, if we are to evolve as individuals, we must learn to act towards those ends. Additionally, these ends must be greater than anything we have in place now. Simply put, our species must find a means of transcending here on Earth.

We are capable of so much more than we currently achieve. As of now, we lack the education, the imagination, the sense of scale and courage necessary. But, knowing that we lack these traits means that we can direct ourselves into obtaining these skills. We can evolve, if we wish to.

We must learn to control ourselves and master our short-sighted impulses. We must regain the ability to pause, at length, for genuine contemplation. We must educate ourselves, not just early in life and not just in trade skills, but throughout our entire lifetimes and towards a universal state of knowledge.

These thoughts cannot be vague or nebulous. They must be consciously acted upon; otherwise we will succumb to fear or greed instead.

Fear of losing our jobs, our health or our homes. Fear of death. These are understandable fears given our current situation, but we could easily change the situation so that these fears are no longer necessary.

Greed for more self-gratification, for more toys to play with, for more constant entertainment, for more sex, drugs and rock and roll... We often forget that these, too, can be a problem. These distractions are stopping us from ending the suffering of others. Of course, life is difficult and we each work very hard to survive, so this greed is understandable, given our current situation. But, again, we could easily change the situation so that these needs are no longer necessary.

If life were not difficult, would we feel the need to be rewarded constantly? Would we constantly feel the need for vacation if life itself was a vacation. It is possible, but only if we learn how to consciously limit ourselves. We must learn how to deny ourselves of some pleasures, so that we may eventually bring pleasure to everyone.

At best, we treat the symptoms of the disease, but never the disease itself. We occasionally feed the hungry, but do not question why there is hunger at all. There is hunger because we allow hunger to exist. There is suffering, other than chance uncontrollable suffering (such as my own crippling depression), because we allow it to exist.

Both locally and globally, it should be a crime (a genuine and punishable crime) for so few to have so much, when so many have so little. Why have we not done this? (I, myself, have lived with far too much ease. I regret this, as it has brought me no joy and I have certainly taken more than was necessary.)

It is a tragedy that we do not work together, as a species, to provide food, shelter, clothing, an education and health care for everyone on the planet, as love and a more endurable existence would certainly follow. Why have we not done this?

We could harness technology towards these ends, but we do not. Instead we make better toys for ourselves. Why are we doing this?

Children are wonderful creatures. they bring joy and happiness to nearly everyone they come into contact with. This is both a blessing and a curse, as we must learn to override our instincts. Our biggest challenge will be to find meaning in our lives other than through reproduction.

It is also a tragedy that the Earth, itself, now needs protection from our ever-increasing population. We must always give voice to the voiceless and this certainly includes all living things. We must find a meaning to our lives that supersedes reproduction.

To those who already have children, please know that I am not accusing you of making a mistake or judging you in any way. I love my friends and I love their children. Children are beautiful and, to those already with us, I would not wish them away for anything.

But to those who are considering having children in the future, I would ask that you take this larger concept strongly into consideration. We must find a way to protect ourselves, both globally and locally, from ourselves. we humans seem unable to control ourselves or understand ourselves.

This one truth, in essence, is what causes me the greatest amount of suffering. Living in a world in which people do not, or cannot, understand and control themselves has caused me a great deal of pain. If you must place blame on anything for my death, place blame on this: We are animals and nothing more, at least until we consciously decide to stop being animals. The author David Korten has written about this at length and, aside from his religious leanings, I believe that he gets quite a bit correct. If you have some time, please look into his work.

We can only decide to stop being animals if we are educated, taught to understand that there is a difference between instinct and intention. We must strive to help educate, not just ourselves, but all of those around us as well. We must learn to identify and override our instincts; otherwise we will simply cause more unnecessary suffering and destruction to both ourselves and those around us. Thus, education of the species should be one of our highest goals.

This is why I am writing to you now, to explain how I would like to be honored, should you wish to do so.

If you have children, please encourage them to read books for enjoyment and also make certain that they have the opportunity to go to college. In college, encourage them to learn as much as possible, in a wide variety of subjects. University should be more than just an advanced form of trade school.

Then, if you have the energy and time after that, please continue your own education as well.

And then, if by an even greater fortune, you have still more energy and time beyond that, please help in the attempt to change Education itself.

Society must be taught that a lifelong universal education for everyone is the key to ending all unnecessary suffering.

This meta-education (an education about education) is the most difficult and necessary step for humanity to focus upon. It is a challenge that I wish I could have tackled with you all. Unfortunately, I simply could not. In the end, I was not strong enough to remain.

Still I was happy to finally have a clear understanding of the need itself. I may not have been able to solve this grand hidden enigma we find ourselves embroiled within, but I was eventually able to clearly identify the problem. After all, we cannot hope to decipher the answer to a riddle we do not even realize is challenging us.

I have also left an envelope at my apartment with $2000 to cover my funeral expenses. I wish to be cremated and have my ashes thrown off of the large stone bridge at Whatcom Fall Park, in Bellingham, Washington. This is one of the few spots in the world that I found peace in. I am certain that this act, tossing my ashes, will be quite illegal, but please do so anyway. It is lovely to think that I will depart with a small, but meaningful, act of imagination and rebellion.

Thank you for listening to my final words. And thank you all for being such wonderful people. I could not have asked for a better set of beautiful, creative, affectionate individuals to fill the moments of my life with.

I love you all.

Goodbye.

-Scott Allan McKinnon / Mink Staccato