I don't expect to be writing on this blog very much in the future. I feel that I have essentially said what I have to say that might be interesting with regards to my philosophy, how I see the world, and so on. What I might be interested in writing about would either be commentary about current events, and there's no shortage of available opinions in that arena, or talking about my life, and it's pretty clear to me that this is of limited interest to anybody.
The things that matter most to me, the emotional turmoil of a mental illness and the exploration of how an intelligent, rational person can deal with that, is unfortunately still an embarrassment to most people. I have thought it a worthy cause to be honest about what goes on in my life, but it turns out that this has largely been an inconvenience. Those around me would have been happier with secrets and platitudes and politeness. This is the lesson I continually fail to learn.
I am proud of this blog in that when I go back and read it again I find that the ideas expressed are clever ideas, written in a way that I enjoy reading. I think the central message of the blog is that while humanity is often a collection of bumbling fools, those bumbling fools are not different from you or I in any really important sense. We want safety, happiness, love and community and all around the world we show the willingness to help each other out. We also fear and condemn what is different in a reflex action rather than attempt to understand. These qualities of humanity are transforming the world around us in a genuine miracle of positive improvement unnoticed by most people and generally rejected because people emotionally feel differently.
A simple review of comments from previous posts will show what people are actually interested in from my writing, generally music and politicians. Good news about the world and personal difficulties are less interesting. There's a reason that newspapers are full of bad news and people who complain have no friends.
I find it a great irony that I am a person who spends substantial amounts of my time so personally miserable that I don't wish to be alive and yet I am also the person most positive about people and how the world is going that I have ever met or read.
It is quite possible that who I am as a person will change in the next few months and I may be led to try writing again. If so I hope that it will be in a different format and that I will have the discipline and consistency to write fiction, and perhaps that will be of interest to some of you.
Enjoy this moment, today, and I hope that you feel that joy and beauty continually through your life.
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3 comments:
I hope you will continue to write. I read your blogs from time to time in a kind of greedy frenzy. I have similar thoughts and experiences and it helps me to see them written down by you. The psychiatrist i went to see told me that people with personality disorders were more despondant than myself. It means without hope. It seems kind of ironic that the hope i had in getting some help was the very thing that prevented it. Please don't become discouraged. If you are looking for help keep looking till you find it. Really the best thing for your condition I think you have already found - unconditional love - in the form of Christina. Hope you're feeling better and if you're not i have written a note to myself on my cooker and it says : you will feel better soon x
Dan, I believe I understand. I hope you'll at least continue to drop by my blog. Your absence would be sorrowful.
I'm coming to this discussion late, but I appreciate your candor, your perseverance, and the things which have made it possible for you to continue telling your story. It matters--and you matter. I thank you, and these few hours today are not the first time you have given me hope.
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