The Road Goes Ever On

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with weary feet,

Until it joins some larger way,

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

 

- J.R.R. Tolkien

 

A short while ago I wrote that I didn't expect to write very much more on this blog.  I am now happy that I was so equivocal since to anyone who has been paying attention I have been writing quite a lot recently.  Why is this, you may (but probably won't) ask?

 

The reason is essentially that the circumstances of my own mind have changed from then to now.  At that time I wrote: 

 

"I feel that I have essentially said what I have to say that might be interesting with regards to my philosophy, how I see the world, and so on. What I might be interested in writing about would either be commentary about current events, and there's no shortage of available opinions in that arena, or talking about my life, and it's pretty clear to me that this is of limited interest to anybody."

In translation, I couldn't think of anything new and interesting to say other than my own difficulties, and thought nobody cared about that.  If anyone cannot work out the name for this type of mindset I think they should read this, it's important.  Since then I have become able to think of things that I find interesting, and have come to the conclusion that either some people do care what I say and think, or that I want to write down my ideas anyway.  This is analogous to playing music.  There are times that without noticeable improvement and the chance to perform I cannot find the point in playing music.  There are other times where I enjoy singing and playing for myself.

What has been the difference?  The difference has been that I have gone to see a psychiatrist.  This psychiatrist has been sympathetic enough to listen me, agree with my self-diagnosis of rapid cycling bipolar 2 disorder and then prescribe for me a medication called Lamictal.  I have been taking this for about three months now and my total symptoms during this time are eight days of minor "down" (tired and a bit sad for a day or so) and one day of minor "up"  (talking more, more energy).  So, on about one day in ten I have some minor symptoms, and this at the beginning of treatment.  Side effects are a decrease in the effects of caffeine and about an hour less need for sleep.  That's it.

What this really means for me are two-fold:  first is the most important portion that a vast amount of personal misery has been lifted from me, second is that my mood is far more consistent.  The first is self-evidently good and has led me to having ideas, self-assurance, etc.  The second has more subtle effects.  For quite some time now I have been thinking about what I could do if I could only maintain motivation consistently.  Well, with a consistent mood my levels of motivation are consistent.  I can start projects with some confidence that I will be able to continue with the project for some time, days, weeks, even months.  As a result I have started a few projects.  I am now "inspired?" frequently to write down my thoughts.  I have started studying Spanish daily with the Rosetta Stone program, previously purchased two years ago and used for a total of four days previously.  I play my mandolin almost daily.  I exercise almost daily, have reduced my food intake and drink less.  The house is looking better too.

This doesn't mean that my motivation for any activity has increased particularly.  I still find exercise hard work, studying Spanish can be very frustrating, the rewards and trials of playing the mandolin are unchanged, and I like to eat and drink as much as I have before.  Chores are unfailingly chores.  The difference is that I have the energy each day to do what I did the day before.  It is the consistency of effort towards a goal that is different.  Our efforts usually fail because we don't consistently apply the effort.  If you stop doing something for a week, it probably means you will simply stop doing it.  If you can do something, even badly, for fifteen minutes a day you will improve. 

There is a hypothesis called the 10,000 hour rule.  Basically it means that for someone to master something, that is to become truly world class, you must practice that skill for 10,000 hours.  For an hour a day that means over 27 years of practice.  For eight hours a day it means three and a half years.  The Cariaga rule requires a lifetime of 108 years of practice.  I am frequently surprised that people are often astonished at my ability to converse with strangers with a multiplicity of problems and help them almost immediately.  My surprise is that other people are so bad at understanding themselves and other people.  However, I have spent over twenty years of my life working at this skill, a thousand weeks.  It is therefore not surprising that I am good at this.

I don't expect to be world class at any of my hobbies but the ability to give consistent effort means that my chances of getting better and perhaps becoming good at something have dramatically improved.