Hugs

Recently I attended a 95th birthday and family reunion for the relatives on my wife's mothers side of the family. In that family I would be/am considered to be part of that family, which seems deeply weird to me.  What I consider my family now consists of six people, myself, siblings and parents.  For me to consider someone a family member there must be a shared existence over a prolonged time from an early age. Most of the people at the event I have spent less than a weekend with.

However, I received many, many hugs.  Now, I want to start off with what hugging meant in the country that I grew up in.  Until I left the UK in 1988 I had not been hugged by anyone in probably a decade.  In the England I grew up in hugging is such an intimate emotional act that it only happens with people in relationships or involving small children.  As with any other intimate emotional act, when it happens with someone you are not intimate with emotionally it can feel strange, disturbing, and invasive.  Just imagine that someone you have just met gently strokes the hair off your face.  The way I was raised this is the same as hugging.

Studies on personal space say that Americans (in general)) actually have a larger personal space than Britons (although I remember a study from college in which this was true apart from directly in front of the face,perhaps I remember that incorrectly.)  However, personal space depends enormously on the category in which you place the other person.  The personal space between mother and baby is zero.  The personal space between family members is bigger, and then bigger for friends and then largest with people you don't really know. I stared off with a larger personal space then usual, and I have a smaller category of friends.

When I first came to the States I found myself being hugged a lot.  At the time it seemed like all the time. I remember meeting people for the first time and immediately being hugged.  Within the whirlwind of a new culture this was probably the second most intense thing, after meeting several people a day who would immediately interview me about my life.  Since then I have probably been hugged by non-family members hundreds of times.  Contrast hundreds of times with zero times.  By the way, it is extremely difficult to think of some way to prevent someone hugging you in a polite way.  Hugging is an expression of intimacy, and if you refuse a hug then you are simply saying that you are less emotionally involved, and care less for that person than they expected.  I have never managed it.

Now, I don't want to suggest that I still feel major confusion and discomfort when getting hugged, it has happened so much that I am used to it.  However, it still feels a little weird and I get nothing from it (except from my wife).  I hug other people because it seems to make them feel happy, connected, and warm.  The people at the event were trying to convey that I was part of the family, included and I think that a very nice gesture indeed. However, the event is a one-sided transaction, for me hugging is a minor uncomfortable event that I do out of politeness.  I take it in the same way I take a cashier saying, God bless you."  It doesn't mean the same thing to them a it does to me, but it is meant well and so I won't do anything to stop it.  Kindness is to b encouraged.

A this point I am imagining all the people I have hugged who read this are somewhat horrified as to what they have been doing to me.  I don't want that at all.  You have been expressing friendship and affection, good for you.  I also don't want you to stop, it doesn't do me any harm and y'all seem to like it.  Just think of it like going to Italy and doing the kissing of cheeks, personally weird, weird to the other person if you don't, but you are in Italy and when in Rome.....