Leave No Regrets

Secret number two is the deeply insightful Leave No Regrets. This is pretty much self-explanatory, if you regret that you haven't done something, go do it, and don't wait around as that might result in it being too late. This seems a pretty straight forward piece of advice, if something bothers you enough to effect your happiness, go do something about it.

The book emphasizes that those interviewed did not tend to regret things that they had tried, but regretted things they had not done. At least this group of people didn't dwell on failures, they dwelled on not having tried in the first place. One thing I wonder about is whether the results from a large survey of bitter and miserable people would have similar results in that they regretted not having tried things, or whether the happy group's experience with risk was better because they had generally succeeded? The other question I have is whether the imagination of a dream is better than the actual dream? That what we dreamed we might have done is better than the reality of doing things, and so when we don't do things we feel worse than failing at a dream.

The book seems so far to largely be an exhortation towards courage in life. Those who are happy and fulfilled late in life are those who knew who and what they were and took risks to get there. This group when asked whether they wish they had taken more or less risks indicated that they thought they should have taken more risks. Again, I wonder if that is due to their experience with risk? I have talked to extremely happy and contented people late in life, and they did tend to be brave and go out and do extraordinary things. But I've also talked to terribly miserable people late in life and some of those took risks that didn't work out (joining the military being an important one of those).

The book does give a couple of caveats to this exhortation towards taking risks in order to leave no regrets. The first is that the risks they are talking about are not physical risks, but emotional risks. This book does not suggest a lifestyle of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll in war zones. What it suggests is that when you think of something that you wish to do, that you are called to do, that has the risk of public embarrassment, or failure, or disappointment, do it. Failing at your dream is less misery inducing than not trying a all.

This leads to the second caveat, that regrets will occur. You will fail, you will not do things, circumstances will occur that mean that life is not just as you would wish. One of the qualities of this group is that they dealt well will failure. One of the ways to leave no regrets, is that when something goes wrong one accepts that, one feels good that at least an attempt was made, and then one lets the regret go. This quality that mitigates the second caveat seems to me to be vitally important, if you don't regret things when your risks don't work out then taking risks is actually a non-risk situation. If you reap the rewards when things go well, but don't suffer the consequences when things go badly, you should try as many things as possible.

So far the book has given two "Secrets" that are known by everybody, they are common knowledge. Be true to yourself, find out what you are meant to be and then do it. Leave no regrets, if you will feel badly if you didn't try something, try it as failure is less painful than regret for those for whom failure is less painful than regret. The problem I have with the book so far is that it does not give methods for finding out who you are if you don't know it, and it doesn't give methods for accepting and dealing with regret and failure. What the book does do is remind people to think about these things, to take time to contemplate what they should be doing with their lives, and then to go do them.

What I have found in this book so far are two things, one about myself and one about other people. With regards to myself I have found that what I do is generally in line with this advice on how to be wise, happy and fulfilled but I still wonder about whether there is more to life than this. It leads me to think that perhaps I need to be more mindful and appreciative of what I have, and possibly that I should go to Asia and have an adventure sooner rather than later. With regards to other people the book has led me to the position that perhaps most people go through their lives unaware of themselves in a way I simply can't imagine. This concept that most of humanity is just blundering through their lives blind to themselves, acting simply out of habit or cultural rules, not thinking, questioning or searching, is frightening. Anyone who knows me will be aware that I am unimpressed by the cognitive abilities of humanity on average, or its concern for its fellow man at a distance. But the fact that such a book as this exists, and might be useful, has increased my contempt for people en masse.

Am I happier than most people but simply someone who questions and searches for more happiness at an even greater rate? Is my caricature of most people as sheep, doing what is habitual, buying what they are told is cool, doing what they are told is interesting, believing what they are told to believe, even more true than I had thought?

Tune in over the next few days for the Third Secret, which is even less surprising than the first two.