On Relieving The Frustration From Other People

For most people, people are the source of their greatest frustration.  While things can be difficult, at least we understand that things aren't trying to be difficult, they just are difficult.

Have any of you spent time going over the actions of another person over and over in disbelief, or bafflement at the actions of another person?  Have you asked yourself, "How could they be so stupid?"  Or, "Why would they be such an awful person?"  Or, "Why are they doing that to themselves?"  Do you find that these thoughts keep re-occurring and perpetually cycling through your mind?  I do, and it's really frustrating to be there, and is very bad for my happiness.

Now, I don't think we are likely to change our minds about the stupidity of the other person's actions.  I simply cannot even begin to suggest that all people continually do smart things.  I can suggest that all of us do stupid things.  What I can suggest is a different method of understanding how and why people do things.

I'll start by presenting a psychological test.  Having told you that it is a test I expect you will do much better than the unwitting general public at it.  For the best use of the test I ask you to get to your answer as soon as you can, which is the manner that people usually use with regard to other people.

Linda is a single 31-year-old, who is very bright and deeply concerned with issues of social justice. Which of the following statements is more probable: a) that Linda works in a bank, or b) that Linda works in a bank and is active in the feminist movement?

Most people pick b).

If you picked b) go back and just take a moment and you will pretty quickly see why the answer is a).  Now, why do most people pick b)?  It is because it makes a better story.  People think in stories and the story of the a) is that Linda is concerned about social justice and works in a bank.  There doesn't seem to be a story here, it just seems to be a flat statement, and one that our prejudices think seems unlikely.  Our intuition therefore rejects this.  It's a bad story.  However, Linda being concerned about social justice and working in a bank, but is active in the feminist movement is a better story.  Here's a person with deep convictions working towards her goals while suffering the implied contradiction of working in a bank.  You could write a decent novel about that.

When given the choice between a good story (one with personality characteristics, a plot, and motivations we understand) and an accurate factual statement, in a snap decision most people will take the story.

This is a very powerful insight into how people work.  It is a great tool for answering the questions that frustrate us, and actually answering the unspoken question, which is why do we ask these frustrating questions? 

The first thing to remember at all times is people are doing things based on their story, and their stories with regard to other people.  These stories do not have to be based on real facts, simply perceived facts, which are essentially assumptions.  The base for these assumptions are the culture in which people were raised, and that other people think the same way that they do.

If you grew up in a culture where in high school good looks and going along with the crowd were important and doing well in class was perceived as arrogance, then a person who doesn't concern themselves much with their appearance, has some different interests to yours, and tries to help you to understand things will be seen as an arrogant know-it-all, who thinks they are better than you, and is trying to put you down.  Once this story has been produced it frames everything in those interactions from that point on.

What else are these stories based upon?  These stories are based on the almost universal human traits of being part of the group, intensifying the loyalties within that group (by demonizing the other), promoting one's own status within that group, and protecting one's own self-esteem.

So why does that guy just repeatedly do stupid things without asking for help, or admitting he doesn't know what he's doing, blaming me for it, and then gets rewarded by their boss?  It's because they have told themselves that they are competent, that those who say they aren't are out to get them by trashing them in front of their boss, and the boss is part of that group and so believes it.  Why is that when I smile at people at my wife's work I get looks of terror?  It's because I am not dressed like an employee, and so I must be a thief, or a bum, or someone out of the tribe, and what am I doing there? and what am I after with that smile?

The other thing to remember is that you are telling yourself those stories too.  When you bring your proposal forward you are doing it because you think you know more than other people about what is the right thing to do, you want to demonstrate your competence, and there's a really good chance you are trying to make sure that moron doesn't screw things up by getting things his way.

So, the next time that you become frustrated about the idiocy, evil, mean spirited nature of someone, try to work out what their story might be.  Remember that their meanness comes from things most of us share, fear, self-esteem, distrust of difference.  Remember that they probably come from a different environment but don't understand that you do too.  Remember that their idiocy is probably something they are mostly unaware of and yet terrified of its existence.  I remember my father, a man flown around the world for his intellectual authority on sophisticated matters, telling me that everyone in the world feels like they are faking being an adult, and that scared that everyone is going to find that out.

It doesn't stop you from thinking they are being dumb, or that the results of their actions are nasty.  However, it does reduce your own bewilderment, your own judgment that they are just plain evil, and it gives you an excellent method to predict what they might do next.  This reduces your frustration and gives you more time to watch butterflies wander through the flowers.