Grief Part II

This morning I checked my e-mail and found out that my grandmother, the last of my grandparents, had died.  E-mail is fine, that's how I generally communicate with my family.  I had written a post on grief recently and it seemed appropriate to examine my feelings at this time.  A mind that attempts to be rational must evaluate its predictions with regard to its own state.

In my previous post I had written;

Personally I am bad at grief in that I just don't feel it as much as most people.  What drives me towards misery is a change in my own life, my personal pain is based on selfishness.  When my grandfathers died it didn't really bother me.  I hadn't seen them in a few years, they weren't a big part of my life anymore, they were old and old people die.  My reaction to the deaths of my friends was similarly muted, it was bad news but it didn't drive me into depression.  On the other hand, if my wife left me I would be devastated.  That's just me.  It doesn't make me look good, and I feel a little guilty about it.  So, I want to say that my understanding of grief comes largely from a distance.

However, if I am in proximity to someone experiencing grief I feel enormous sympathy for them.  It hurts me more to see someone grieve than for me to grieve.

How did I do?  Well, I didn't feel very much at all, certainly no inner pain.  I had seen my grandmother twice as an adult, half of the time with her convinced we were not related because of my accent.  At no point did either of us exhibit any sign of particular affection towards beach other.  In fact, I cannot recall either of us liking each other at any stage of our respective lives.  Furthermore, I hadn't seen her in ten years.  Our proximity approached zero.

Most of my reaction was towards the well-being of other people.  My mother has lost a parent and so this probably brings about a fundamental change in her sense of her identity.  No longer is she the daughter of anyone, now she is always the oldest in a family.  No longer is she the primary source of caring for anyone.  There is also a long and profound history of proximity, a shared existence which is no longer there.  My sisters were still involved, and having children of their own are almost certainly more connected to the idea of family.  I don't have any idea how my brother would feel in such a situation.   So, I care that my mother and sisters have lost someone in proximity to them, a family member, and so a change in who they are.

However, I have too further thoughts on the matter.  The first is that I am expected to feel more than this, that there is something wrong with me if I don't, in fact that there is something somewhat disgusting about someone who doesn't automatically care about family.  I wouldn't be surprised at all to discover that the majority feeling about this blog was that I was keeping my true feelings from myself.  I feel a bit of guilt that I don't feel grief, or at least feel the need to approximate it for other people, I don't really want to disturb people at this time.

I went for a walk to examine my feelings and found myself quite quickly thinking about other things with which I may be involved in the near future.