"Texas, where optimism goes to die."

The title of this blog post is a quote from my darling wife and not a sweeping statement.  I am sure there are lots of optimistic people in Texas.  It was a quote from about two weeks ago when she did not get a job for which she was more qualified than the recipient of the job in the areas that were described in the job description.  Apparently those responsible for hiring wanted someone with a different set of qualifications than those published. While there are probably good reasons for hiring such a person and for advertizing for a particular position, this didn't prevent disappointment.

The reason for the sweeping statement is because this feels like the latest in an uninterrupted line of disappointments. When coming down to Houston we had a number of hopes for the situation, perhaps hopes isn't strong enough as they were more like expectations.  We expected to make money in Houston, my darling wife's salary is larger than the cost of living as long as nothing goes wrong.  Enough things have broken that we have actually lost money.  My darling wife was promised a position that wasn't given, and expected to rise the one level to a new, nationally marketable position (the one to which she just applied).  We expected that the work environment would be more pleasant than the office in Portland, which seemed dysfunctional and political, but entirely the reverse is true.  We thought there would be excitement and interest in what we assumed to be essentially a different country but what we have found is not excitement but largely contempt for our human environment.  We even were excited by the idea of tropical weather, to find two straight years of unusually intense heat and severe drought.

Our hopes and expectations have all been dashed.  We have now reached a situation where it seems that optimism in Texas is simply a method to produce disappointment.  We are both describing ourselves as, "Done."  Apathy has descended upon us both. I have stopped learning Spanish, mostly stopped playing music, and writing this blog has been infrequent.  I take a lot of naps, play a lot of video games, and drink a lot of beer.

On the other hand I live in a lovely house where I can sit by the pool sipping cocktails looking up at palm trees rippling in the wind.  We are not worried about imminent hunger, shelter, health care and all the other necessities.  I eat well, sleep in a comfortable bed, and have access to the most wonderful informational tool ever devised. My marriage is fantastic.  I am very hopeful and optimistic about humanity as a whole.  I think my life is overall getting better rather than worse (effective treatment for a mental illness will do that).  Taking the time to count my blessings results in a hell of a lot of blessings.

Buddhists talk about bliss being the death of the ego and the removal of all desires.  Scientific research into happiness shows that optimism makes you happier than pessimism.  Hope is the ground upon which all worthwhile activity is built.  People are complicated and happiness is complicated and the paths to it are varied.  I think a healthy way to live is to have hope and optimism, but understand that a lot of the time you will be disappointed, but that disappointment is a transitory thing that can be ameliorated by a different viewpoint. 

This is another cycle, a theme of mine, as I described here. I've been "done" before and it will go away.  I will be at peace, serene, happy again.  I will invent new and different hopes, and some of them will be dashed.  Iit would be nice if it happened in a place where optimism doesn't die.