Dissolution

Having looked at the definition of "dissolute" it may not be the right word.  Still, I have a vision in my head of what the process of dissolution is for a person and I'm going to go with that until a more apt word appears to me.

Dissolution to me is a picture of a person, (actually just a man, how sexist) withdrawing from the strictures of society and simply doing what they want, which is largely the seeking of pleasure. In my picture of this the man is slovenly, probably somewhat intoxicated, not doing very much at all.

This picture can be a rather sad and ugly sight.  A man disillusioned with his life and giving up out of a sense of futility.  Pleasure is a method of escaping rather than a good to be found.  There is a sense of shame, a loss of dignity, a self-disgust like a chronic illness. 

There is also a romantic picture, the free spirit that really looks into what matters.  Instead of pride, diligence, power, prestige, wealth assimilation he chooses freedom, pleasure, beauty, love.  The romantic vision is of someone who truly lives as though each moment is his last moment.  In this moment I could look at the trees in the wind, slowly getting drunk, or I could wash my filthy shirt.  Given those two choices, washing the shirt is a ridiculous idea.

What is the difference between these two states?  It is pretty much down to how the dissolute man views himself.  Does he feel like the romantic figure or the chronically ill figure?  There are some causes that lead to one position or the other, it is much easier to be the romantic figure when coming from a wealthy and stress-free life than from the trauma of poverty, betrayal and trauma, but the end result is largely the difference.

I feel dissolute.  The idea of taking pride in appearance, diligence, conformity, and so on seems silly to me.  While I am certain that life is improving for people, I don't think this is happening because the norms of society are particularly sensible.  I am largely withdrawn from society and value what I want to do over other people's opinion of me.  I don't do very much, I am certainly slovenly, I am often somewhat intoxicated (although not now) and almost every day I sit outside watching a palm tree rustling in the wind.

Then I think that perhaps I am simply rationalizing my laziness and lack of resilience.  Am I in this position because others have taken pity on me?  I came into my present position upon the urging of my wife, when I was miserable and ill.  My family and friends have been supportive, but isn't that what someone would do for someone who was generally thought of as understandably unable to take care of themselves?  Do I live my present life because of my lack of ability and my disillusionment with our world?  Am I a permanently broken, a rather sad figure, supported by kind people?  If so, how would I ever know?

What is the difference between these two states?  It is my attitude towards the situation.  My aesthetic is crumbling empire.  The gentleman who goes native*.  The dreamer of the dreams who lives in the world of beauty, art, and now.  The man who finds the disgust of other people rather silly, for they really think their petty thoughts matter.  the man for whom it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, even if that love only lasts ten minutes. When people ask me what I truly want from life, it is this with some good friends.

If I have what I want then why don't I embrace it and dive right in, free of foolish things like guilt, boredom, hope for different things?  The truth is that much of the time I do.  Yet we all carry around with us the architecture of our society, no matter how crumbled and broken the remnant that might be.  I believe that not only is happiness the greatest good, but that people deserve it.  More, I think those that can be happy have a duty to be happy for if happiness is the greatest good it is a moral obligation to work towards the highest good.  For there to be happiness people must be happy.

I want to wallow in my dissolution, affirm the pleasures of body and mind.  I want to feel good, serene, happy, peaceful.  I wish to "work" at this without shame or question.  I believe this is right for me, an almost spiritual practice, a path of affirmation of what I like in life, what I find beautiful.  I don't want to be afraid, retreating from life, drinking myself into oblivion to escape the world, and I don't think I do.  My "task" is to chip away at the remnants of societal architecture I carry with me, by which I don't mean removing myself from social norms when interacting with people, but rather judging myself simply by my own principles.

At a minimum the only real harm I might be doing is to myself and my wife, and she tells me I am good for her, and why should I not trust that?  Finding my own way to happiness without harm, how could that be a problem for a right-minded person?  All I need to do is believe that to the core of my being.